


On Hold

by Ladybird_0



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2019-05-24 13:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14955489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladybird_0/pseuds/Ladybird_0
Summary: You were the one who walked away, even after he promised he would make it work. You said you didn’t want to hurt him. You didn’t realize how much you would.[TYL!Hayato Gokudera x Reader]





	1. Never

**Author's Note:**

> This is a TYL!universe fic! Total angst, I'm sorry. It's basically finished but I will be updating here as it gets updated on Luna. Enjoy!
> 
> The cover of "On Hold" by The xx that was the inspiration for the entire fic/is what the entire fic is based on can be found: [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8oIGJingC8)

You down another shot of unnamed dark liquor and drop the glass on the counter with a triumphant ‘clink’. The girls you are drinking with let out a unified cheer and begin discussing what the next drink of choice will be. With a tilted smile, you excuse yourself from the group and turn away from the dark wood of the bar. You saunter to the bathroom.

_**I don’t blame you.** _

Your vision is slightly blurred, your steps are offbeat, and your words most certainly would be slurred if you spoke. You push through a crowd of other party guests to reach the swinging door. Even in the ladies' room, the clicking of your heels on tile can’t be heard over gossip and music. You stop at the sink. Tired (e/c) eyes reflect back at you like daggers. You wonder how someone could look so beautiful and be so ugly.

_**We got carried away.** _

You apply a thin layer of powder under your eyes and fix a few stray curls before giving yourself a final once-over. You head back out to the heart of the party with another broken smile. A stranger with dark hair pulls your hips to his and you sway to the music. He tells you you look nice, and you crash your lips into his in a hollow kiss. How did you end up here again?

_**I can’t hold on** _

You stumble out to the city sidewalk, unable to type any desired words into your cellular device. A curse slides past your painted lips. You look up to see a familiar black vehicle parked on the curb. Its owner leans against it. His shirt is untucked and a cigarette is in between his teeth. Your brow furrows. It doesn’t make sense for him to be here.

“What are you doing?” you hiccup.

“I thought you might need a ride.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“You’re drunk.”

The back of your throat begins to burn. You’re unsure if it is the shots coming back up, or all of the words you never let yourself say. 

“I told you I never wanted to see you again.”

His eyes do not leave yours. 

“I know.”

_He_ wasn’t the one who left _you._

Heat pools in your cheeks and you tear away from his gaze. With another hiccup, you turn from the car and the silver haired man.

“ _Goodbye_ , Hayato.”

**_to an empty space._ **


	2. Reason

He throws another empty cigarette pack in the garbage bin and takes a hard pull on his last stick. He had spent most of the night tossing and turning in the sheets. His eyes are dark and clouded from the lack of sleep. He is still worried about you. Everyone around him sees it.

“I think you should call her,” someone says.

His head is heavy when he shakes it. He knows that won’t help. He knows you won’t pick up. 

He sighs and sinks lower into his chair. When did you choose to stop picking up?

_“I am not going to be the reason you get hurt again.”_

Damn it. You shouldn’t be allowed to decide that for him. Not after he said he was going to make it work.

**__** __

_**It could be love.** _

You wake in another unfamiliar environment. Your only coverage is a satin bed sheet that is contorted around your slender form. You rub the sleep away from your eyes and look around the small apartment. You can’t remember who’s it is. It doesn’t really matter anyway.

You find your phone in the tangled mess of sheets and clothing. You have a single missed call. It is from your mother.

“ _Salut,_ darling. I just wanted to check in again and see how you’re doing. Your father and I miss you. Maybe you should come home for a bit. The door is always open. _Je t’aime._ ”

The thought of going home had not yet crossed your mind. You don’t want to run away, but even in your hazy state you can feel that your energy is depleting. You can’t keep yourself distracted much longer.

__

_“My brother almost died because of_ you. _Do you realize that? Because he loves_ you.”

You press a few buttons on your phone and redial your mother. She picks up right away.

“Hi, _Maman?_ I think I am going to come home for a while. There’s no reason for me to stay here now.”

_**I think you’re too soon to call us old.  
When and where did we go cold?** _


	3. Why

**__**

_**And every time I let you leave**_

It has been three days since he’s seen you. He’s barely slept at all. Coffee and cigarettes have gotten him through each day so far, but today he feels the stress coming to a head. He needs to know you’re ok. When he finally barrels into the office of the Vongola Tenth, no words are wasted on asking what is going on.

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Gokudera.” It is unclear if he is speaking as a leader or as a friend.

“Just tell me if she’s ok. Please, boss.” 

The storm guardian receives only silence in return. He doesn’t yell. He could never yell at Tsuna. He can only place his hands on the wooden desk and beg.

“At least tell me we know where she is… that someone is making sure she is safe.”

“They were ready to kill her because of us.” The brunette’s tone is flat. “Of course we’re keeping an eye on her.”

Relief fills Gokudera's body in an instant. For the first time in days, he feels like he could fall asleep. Even the corner of his mouth twitches, as if it was about to smile.

“She’s on her way to the airport,” the Vongola Tenth continues. “She’ll be home in Geneva by tomorrow morning.”

A hollow feeling sinks down into the bomber’s stomach. Any words he was going to say catch in his throat as he stares at the brunette. How was it that you could walk away from him so frequently, and this was the first time it actually felt like you were gone?

**__**

_**I always saw you coming back to me.**_

The cab ride is quick and painless. You hardly have any time to think about what you’re leaving behind and if it is permanent or temporary. You take your luggage from the driver in exchange for a tip and a smile. You wonder how it will feel if you do come back.

The check-in line is what tests your mental strength. You begin to think about “what ifs?” and “whys” and suddenly your mind is lost. What if he appeared at the airport right now? Would you still leave? Would you say the same things?

__

“I am not going to be the reason you get hurt again.”

“What are you saying?”

“I never want to see you again.”

“Damn it, you don’t get to make decisions like that for people!”

“I get to make them for myself, Hayato. I don’t want this kind of life.”

Probably.  


  
_**When and where did we go cold?  
I thought I had you on hold.** _


	4. Stop

You don’t think much of it when an airport security officer asks you to step out of the line. You probably left something in your purse from one of your nights out. You just have to explain your way out of any problems.

He escorts you into a room with two other men, and a tightness begins to form in your stomach like a warning. It doesn’t feel like a problem you can explain away all of a sudden. 

“Unfortunately, miss…” one of them says, “we’re not even yet.” 

You try to back away but one grabs you by the wrist.

“Sorry. This time you’re not getting away.”

****

**_Where does it stop?_ **

You try to kick and shove and bite as they pull you to a backdoor. You are only free when a familiar face enters the small room and grabs their attention. Before you can even gather your thoughts, your attackers are on the ground and your friend is at your side.

“Yamamoto, I don’t understand. I thought- I mean, we-“

“Try and breath, (Y/n).”

You do.

“Yamamoto, why is this happening again? I _hate_ this.” Tears begin to line your eyes.

The raven haired swordsman looks to you with genuine sorrow. “I’m sorry, (Y/n). I wish we could have told you that this was far from over.”

****

**_Where does it stop?_ **

The news reaches the Vongola headquarters too late.

“How did this _happen_?” Tsuna does not try to hide the frustration in his tone.

“We underestimated their plan. It was more strategic than we ever anticipated. There were so many of them… we never stood a chance.”

“Where are Yamamoto and (Y/n)?”

“I’m sorry… we don’t know. He went in after her, and in the chaos we lost track of them.”

The Vongola Tenth clenches his jaw. He had taken every precaution and somehow it was still not good enough. Getting you out of Japan was Tsuna’s last effort to protect you. These people were clearly willing to give up everything for their revenge. He wonders, if anything happens to you now, if he will be able to do the same.

****

**_You’ve got to dare me to._ **


	5. Good

****

**_My young heart_ **

Gokudera met you when you were only nineteen. He was twenty. You picked him out of a crowd of Japanese shoppers purely because of his appearance.

“Um, excuse me, but _parlez-vous français?_ ” 

You were lost.

He looked you up and down before stumbling out a broken response in the requested language.

“Ah, only a little.” He blushed innocently. At the time, you had no idea how out of character that was for him.

“Oh, okay. Hm…” For only a moment, you lost your focus in those dark green eyes. “How about _Italiano?_ ” 

His dark eyes suddenly sparkled like emerald stones. 

_“Si!”_

****

**_chose to believe_ **

He never talked with anyone the way he talked with you.

“What’s something you want to do before you die?” you asked as you sipped on a strawberry shake. The small shop in town had become a home base of sorts for most of your dates.

“Huh? Something to do before I die?” Wide eyes blinked back at you.

You nodded. “It can be anything, so make it good.”

For a long moment he stayed silent.

“I guess I’d like to play at the Musikverein in Austria. Not in front of people necessarily, just… there.”

Your (e/c) eyes sparkled with delight. “Can I be there?”

He sputtered out his next words. “You- you’d actually want to hear me play?”

“Of course,” you said. “I think that sounds absolutely lovely.” 

He thought you were absolutely lovely. 

****

**_that we were destined._ **

“I want to meet your sister,” you cheerfully said one morning. It was completely out of the blue.

He choked on his coffee. “Why?!”

“I can tell that you’re important to her. I’m sure she would want to meet the person her brother has been seeing for almost a year,” you said matter-of-factly. “Actually, since I put it like that, I’d like to meet all of your friends sometime soon.”

“Well...” he trailed off and bit his lip. He could never argue with you. Not when you gave him that smile.

****

**_Young hearts_ **

Three years of flights from Switzerland to Japan and back passed like hours. Any time with you was always well spent, but the silver haired bomber selfishly wanted more.

“What if… the next time you came back, you didn’t leave?”

Your eyes widened a little. “Hm? Like… move to Japan?”

He nodded. 

You said nothing in return. The excitement of him simply asking mixed with the complicated reality of moving yourself partway across the world left you staring in silence. 

He panicked slightly at your lack of a response. A deep red blush crept across his cheeks.

“I know it’s a lot to ask! A-and I know my life isn’t always easy on you!” He took a moment to breath and grabbed your hand in his. “I know it might be hard, but (Y/n) I promise I will make it work.” 

****

**_all need love._ **

“Gokudera, we have to stay calm if we want to help her.”

“Shut-up! Why did this happen? She doesn’t have anything to do with this!”

He had lost all control the first time you were targeted. It was by a family the Vongala had been facing issues with, but you were never a part of the mafia world.

“They want compensation for the life of that girl.” The Vongola tenth spoke calmly, but his words lit a flame of anger in the pit of the bomber’s stomach.

“ _She_ was a threat! This isn’t right!”

“You killed the daughter of a mafia boss, Gokudera.” Tsuna looked to his friend with genuine fear in his eyes. “To them, it is.”

****

**_Call it a lesson._ **


	6. Fault

**_The stars and the charts and the cards make sense_ **

The situation feels all too familiar to you. From the cloth around your wrist to the smell of rust in the air, everything is disgustingly and brutally familiar.

Memories flood back to you from the first time this happened. They had cornered you on your way into your apartment. They took you to an abandoned hotel and set you up like bait. They wanted Hayato and Tsuna and Yamamoto to come. They told you they would generously make a deal. You could leave if Gokudera gave his own life instead. Accepting the terms was only a distraction to get you to safety and allow Gokudera and Yamamoto to handle the rest, but it came with a heavy price.

You were sitting at Hayato's bedside in the hospital when you finally got the opportunity to meet his sister. He was still unconscious after hours of surgery.

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“I-I’m sorry?”_

_“My brother almost died because of_ you _. Do you realize that? Because he loves_ you _.”_

_“I never asked for any of this!”_

_“Then leave.”_

Now it is happening all over again. Everyone is going to get hurt again because of you.

“(Y/n)?” 

You are pulled from your thoughts. You turn to Yamamoto, seated next to you.

“This isn’t your fault.” He pauses. “I won’t lie to you, it’s a mess. But it isn’t your fault.”

You blink back at him. How could he say that? He had been hurt too last time. This time, he had been knocked out and strapped to a chair.

_“What happened was not your fault, (Y/n).”_

How could he say that?

“I’m sorry,” he continued. “We knew you were still at risk and I was supposed to protect you. I’m going to get us out of here. I prom-”

“No.” 

He startles at your sudden interjection. 

“I refuse to have anyone get hurt again because of me or feel guilty because of me.” Your eyes narrow. “We’re going to get out of here and I’m going to make sure this never happens again. _I promise_.”

**_only when we want them to._ **


	7. Honest

When Gokudera heard it had happened all over again, he crumpled to the floor. He blamed you for not letting him protect you. He blamed Yamamoto for failing to protect you. He blamed himself for not trying harder. 

Tsuna had told him to let the others handle it this time. It would be ‘irresponsible and destructive’ to allow him to get involved in his current emotional state. He had argued to no avail. In the pit of his stomach, he knew Tsuna did not want him along in case they were too late.

He now paces angrily in the Vongola base’s living room. His shoulders are to his ears as he walks circles around a coffee table, wearing a hole into the rug.

__

_“I don’t want this kind of life.”_

Your words echo in his head. He had told you that you shouldn’t be able to make decisions for other people. That you shouldn’t be able to make decision for him. He takes a long drag of his cigarette and wonders if he is trying to do the same to you. He had kept so many secrets from you. He had asked you to be a part of his life without being open about what that meant. Did it mean this? Did it mean putting you in danger forever? How could he make that decision for you?

He takes the cigarette in between his two fingers and snaps it. He throws it down and stomps on, grinding it into the probably priceless rug. He knows one thing he’s decided on for sure. You are not going to die because he did nothing. You are not going to die before he tells you everything, honestly, and then asks you to stay again.

He heads for the exit of the base, hoping for everything to be okay, but knowing that in the end he might have to let you go all the same.

**__** __

_**When I lie awake, staring into space** _

Working together, Yamamoto and you escape the restraints easily. You head out of the dark room and into one of the many long hallways. Using your memories of the building, you lead Yamamoto to a stairwell in the corner of the building. He follows you quickly and cautiously, his mind still stuck on the promise you had made.

You head down a single flight of stairs and freeze at the first sound of footsteps and quiet voices. You look to Yamamoto and he silently slides ahead of you, taking the lead. With his sword in hand, he tells you to wait on the stairs. He takes a deep breath and darts through the door frame and into the hallway. 

You hear a surprised cry and the clank of metal. 

“Huh? Hibari? Lambo?”

At the sound of Yamamoto’s voice, you come around the corner to see two dark haired men. One is on the ground catching his breath from the scare, the other is still looking at Yamamoto with dark eyes and weapons raised.

“How did you guys get in here?” the swordsman asks. 

“Eh? We just walked in. We were looking for you,” the one says as he pulls himself up off of the ground. “You two are the first people we’ve run into.” 

“How did you escape?” the other asks sharply.

Yamamoto hesitantly responds. “We just untied each other and walked out…”

You suddenly have a sinking feeling in your abdomen and you can see the others feel it too.

Yamamoto's tone turns serious. _“We need to get out.”_

**__**

_I see a different view._


	8. Promise

_**And every time I let you leave** _

It doesn’t take Gokudera long to track down your location. As he arrives at the abandoned building, this time alone, a shiver of painful memories runs up his spine. Last time, a plan had been discussed thoroughly and the battle was still tough and the outcome was brutal. This time, there is no plan at all. He is completely unsure of what will happen and how it will end.

The sudden sound of an explosion pulls him from his thoughts. He runs toward the building and watches in terror as the east corner of the hotel crumbles. 

“Damn it!” He prepares to run in, willing to take the chance of the building falling on him in order to get you out in time. He is stopped by a familiar voice. 

“Gokudera! Up here!”

The bomber looks to the west hallway where several walls had crumpled down from old age. He is instantly hit with relief at the site of you standing, unharmed, with the three guardians on the fourth floor. 

“It was a trap. The stairways are blocked. We’ll have to climb down,” Yamamoto calls to him.

Gokudera rushes to the base of the building, ready to catch any of you if necessary. You all feel the pressure of the literal ticking time bomb. You’re unsure which part of the hotel will crumble next, but you’re certain it will come. 

Hibari and Lambo quickly drop down to the lower floors and prepare to assist you on your way out. Yamamoto stays by your side, ready to help you down from the fourth to third floor. 

“Ready, (Y/n)? Take my hand.”

You reach for him, but are suddenly thrown off balance when another person jumps down from above and lands between the two of you. You hear Gokudera shout your name. 

You recognize the individual from the airport. With the element of surprise, he is able to push Yamamoto away and the swordsman falls to the lower floor with a heavy thud. The man grabs you by your shirt collar and heads for the building’s edge. 

“This couldn’t have turned out more perfectly,” he hisses. You wriggle and kick in his grasp but he is too strong. “Gokudera, you will finally know the pain I felt. The pain of watching someone take away your princess.”

“Bastard!” Gokudera shouts from beneath you. From where he stands four stories down, he knows there’s nothing he can do without possibly hurting you too. 

The man’s dark eyes lock with yours and he holds you over the edge of the cracked wooden floor. 

“I’m sorry he had to choose you, darling. I really am,” he says.

Over the man’s shoulder, you can see Yamamoto has cautiously approached and is ready to attack and take your place. Your own words ring in your head.

_“I’m going to make sure this never happens again. I promise.”_

With all of your strength, you bring your knee to your chest and throw every ounce of force you can create into a kick to his ribs. It brings the man to his knees and you drop from his grasp. You manage to just barely catch yourself on the edge of the broken wooden floor. Yamamoto yells at you to hang on, but is interrupted by another explosion that sends him flying.

You pull yourself up on to the fourth floor and are instantly tackled by the man. He pins you down to the hardwood, and his dark eyes meet yours once again.

“You should have realized by now…” he coughs out, “…I’m willing to give up everything, so he can watch you die.” 

His fingers dig deep into your shoulders and he throws his own weight into the floor, sending you both tumbling to the edge. 

Gokudera can only watch as you fall four stories to the ground in the arms of a stranger.

**_I always saw you coming back to me._ **


	9. Sorry

_You are standing in a hospital room. It’s funny… you don’t remember having anyone to visit in the hospital. You look around the room slowly until your eyes fall on the body of a boy laying in the bed. It’s Gokudera. You approach his bedside without making a noise. He is sound asleep._

_You turn when you hear the room’s door slide open. A girl comes in and sits in a chair to the right of the hospital bed. You watch from the corner of the room as she takes his limp hand in hers._

_“I’m sorry… I am so sorry,” is all she can say._

_The girl is you. You remember this happening but you don’t know why you’re seeing it happen again._

_Your attention is pulled to the door again when another person enters. It is Tsuna. He politely asks the you that is sitting by the bedside if he could come in for a minute. You nod._

_“Obviously, I’ll need your word that you won’t speak of this situation to anyone. Not even your family,” he said._

_You nod again. Your (e/c) eyes stay locked on the form of the silver-haired bomber. A single tear runs down your cheek._

_“What happened was not your fault, (Y/n).”_

_You don’t believe him. The tears now begin to flow like a faucet._

_“I know this is more than you could have ever imagined,” he sighs. “There is… one other option.”_

_You slowly shift to face the brunette._

_He calmly and politely explains the alternative decision. You are only able to stare back at him with wide eyes as a response. He tells you to take as much time as you need to think it over._

_“No one would blame you, (Y/n). Let me know what you decide.”_

__

_**When and where did we go cold?** _

When you finally awake and find yourself in the same environment you had just been dreaming of, you are immediately aware of Gokudera at your side with your bandaged hand in his.

“(Y/n)!” he cries excitedly. You can tell he hasn’t gotten much sleep recently from the dark circles under his eyes.

You wonder why you are not happier to see him, when suddenly you remember everything that has happened. 

“Gokudera, I-“ you begin to speak, but it is difficult. Your throat is so sore. You try again, but he interrupts. 

“(Y/n),” he speaks in a serious tone. “I’m sorry.” 

Your heart instantly begins to ache. You don’t think he should be the one saying those words. 

“For everything, I am sorry,” he says. His eyes look to the floor. “The day I told you I loved you, I should have told you everything about me and my life. I’m sorry.”

You don’t speak, but you feel the blood rushing to your cheeks and tears threatening to spill. 

He gives your hand a tight squeeze and continues speaking. 

“I will start from the beginning, and tell you everything, and love you honestly everyday for the rest of my life… if you let me.”

His words are heavy on your heart. 

Before you can answer Tsuna enters your room with a doctor, and asks Gokudera to leave you for a minute. Despite his confusion, he complies and exits.

Tsuna’s eyes have no sparkle as he lock with yours and he asks:

“My previous offer still stands, (Y/n). Have you made your decision?”

**_I thought I had you on hold._ **


	10. Forget

Gokudera sits on a bench outside of the hospital with a cigarette between his teeth. After Tsuna had left your room, he said your mother was on her way and it would be best for you to have your space. 

And then Tsuna told him about the offer he had made, and your decision. 

Gokudera bites down harder on his cigarette as his bosses words replay in his head; words he wanted so badly to get angry with, to combat, and to argue with, but couldn’t. It was too late. 

He knew Tsuna would have preferred for him to have gone home than to sit waiting on a bench by the hospital entrance. He knew that would have been the smarter thing to do, but he wants to see you. He needs to. He loves you. 

It is almost an hour before you emerge from the building with a petite older woman he assumes is your mother. He had always dreamed of meeting your family. He planned to impress your mother by bringing flowers, and greeting her with the french he had been learning. He would win your father over by saying “Yes sir” and making conversation about all the things you liked, that he had listened to you say. 

That was never going to happen now.

The woman leads you out of the hospital with an arm wrapped around your shoulders. Gokudera can only sit and stare and watch as you force your tired and aching body to walk you out of the building. He wants to run and help. He wants to carry you home, and take care of you forever. 

But he sits. 

Your mother leads you toward the curb; Gokudera knows you will walk right in front of him and his head has to scream at his body not to move. 

He notices you have a book in your arms as you step closer to him. It is your favorite novel; one that he gave to you. His heart breaks a little more.

As you pass in front of the bench he is sitting on, he is still. He hopes you will turn, and he will catch your sparkling (e/c) eyes and you will smile at him again, but you don’t. 

Then, as if it were a scene from a movie, your book slides from your arms and hits the ground with a heavy thud. Again his head screams not to move, but his body reaches down to pick up the book.

He holds on to it for a long moment as he remembers the Christmas that he gave it to you. 

He stands, holding the book out in front of him, and there you are. (E/c) eyes shine back into his. Your gorgeous smile spreads across your lips. He feels his heart flutter, and he feels for a moment that everything is going to be okay. 

Your bandage hand takes the book from his.

“Thank you, sir,” you say. 

His world comes crashing down for a second time that day. 

His green eyes empty of any hope as you turn from him and enter the backseat of a car. This will be the only goodbye Gokudera gets; you had chosen to forget. 

You had chosen to forget him. You had chosen to live a life without him, or any of the hardships his world would bring you; Shamal had taken all of those memories from you. Gokudera knew Tsuna was right to make you that offer, and that Shamal was right to complete it. No one should have to live with the kind of pain his actions had caused you. 

Yet still his heart breaks knowing he is now left to carry all of the memories you once shared together. Even the happiest ones feel heavier now that he alone holds every single one.

He watches the car pull away form the curb, and a single tear slides down his cheek. He hopes you will make more happy memories with someone who will love you deeply, and keep you safe. 

And he vows to hold on to and never forget a single moment he spent with you.

**_I thought I had you on hold._ **


End file.
